Friendship As We Age: Why Some Bonds Survive and Others Don’t

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I will be turning 53 in December. Wow! Where has the time gone? It feels like just yesterday I celebrated my 50th birthday after bidding farewell to an entire decade.

As I've gotten older, I've gradually drifted apart from some "friends." One moment you're navigating life together, and the next, you're not.

So, why do some friendships last as we grow older, while others diminish? Throughout the years, I've observed specific reasons in my own friendships, and I'd like to share these insights with you.

Let's first of all look at why certain friendships survive:

Shared History and Deep Bonds – Friends who endure significant life events together—such as celebrations, challenges, or losses—create connections that often withstand the test of time. These shared experiences foster a unique understanding and empathy that strengthens their relationship. Lasting friendships stand the test of time, growing with life’s changes, whereas superficial ones may fade as circumstances shift.

Common Values and Interests – Friendships built on aligned beliefs, hobbies, and life aspirations not only thrive but can also motivate each individual to grow. Whether it’s a passion for travel, a commitment to social justice, or a shared love for sports, these commonalities provide a strong foundation that keeps the friendship vibrant and fulfilling.

Mutual Effort and Communication – Lasting friendships demand commitment from all individuals. Consistent communication, whether via texts, phone calls, or in-person meetings, combined with honest discussions about emotions and experiences, ensures that both or all friends feel appreciated and comprehended. This continuous dialogue is crucial for resolving disagreements and strengthening the connection.

Trust and Support– True friends are those who consistently show up in times of need, providing unwavering emotional support and reliability. This deep-seated trust allows friends to lean on each other during difficult times, creating an environment where vulnerability can flourish, and both or all individuals can feel safe sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings. Genuine friends remain present and supportive through ups and downs, whereas shallow connections may disappear when things get tough.

Adaptability and Growth– Friendships that are flexible and evolve with life's changes—such as advances in career, changes in family dynamics, or personal development—tend to endure. Embracing these transitions together helps friends navigate the ups and downs of life, reinforcing their connection and demonstrating that their bond is resilient, regardless of the circumstances.

Reasons Why Some Friendships Diminish or Don't Survive:

Life Transitions & Distance – Navigating significant life changes like moving, starting a new career, or taking on more family responsibilities can challenge friendships. Relocating often reduces face-to-face interactions, crucial for maintaining relationships. Adapting to new environments can lead to busier schedules and less time for socializing, while the emotional toll may cause feelings of isolation, making it harder to maintain connections. However, intentional efforts like regular phone calls, video chats, and planned visits can help sustain these bonds.

Conflicting Interests & Values -

As people progress through life stages, their interests, values, and priorities naturally evolve, which can lead to friends diverging. For example, one might pursue adventure travel while another focuses on family life, making shared experiences challenging and creating a disconnect. Additionally, shifting values, such as career focus versus work-life balance, can widen understanding gaps. However, friendships can thrive if both parties communicate openly about their evolving identities and seek new ways to connect.

Lack of Effort & Communication – Friendships require consistent effort and communication to thrive. If individuals stop investing time and energy, the connection weakens, leading to missed messages, infrequent meetups, or fewer shared activities. This can cause feelings of neglect and resentment. Regular check-ins, shared experiences, and engagement are essential to maintaining strong, resilient relationships. Prioritizing and consciously staying connected helps friendships endure life's challenges.

Unresolved Conflicts – Unresolved conflicts in friendships can create emotional distance and communication breakdowns. Ignored issues may lead to frustration and avoidance, making it harder to restore trust. Friends should approach conflicts with a willingness to listen and understand each other. Open dialogue helps resolve issues and strengthens the bond through mutual understanding and respect.

Emotional or Social Disruption - In any friendship, a balanced give and take is essential for longevity. A one-sided friendship, where one person consistently gives more time, effort, or support, can lead to imbalance and dissatisfaction. The giver may feel unappreciated, while the receiver may become complacent, creating tension and resentment. True friendships involve give-and-take, where both people invest in the relationship. In contrast, some friendships feel imbalanced, with one person always reaching out.

Understanding these dynamics can help people appreciate meaningful friendships and accept when some naturally drift apart.

From my experience, there were a couple of "friends" who were always taking and rarely giving back, as mentioned in the last reason above, making the friendship feel one-sided and unbalanced. Naturally, this type of friendship dwindled over time.

At that point, I found it easy to intentionally let go of such superficial associations, allowing them to fade away naturally. Meanwhile, a few other friendships couldn't endure, not because they were superficial, but due to one or two previously mentioned reasons, and thus, life simply took its course.

Honestly, prior to turning 40, I was aware of which friendships weren't genuine, but I still held onto them for reasons I can't fully explain. My husband would argue that I was simply too friendly and kind, struggling to let go, which led people to take advantage of this characteristic.

Today, I am grateful to the Lord for the few genuine friends I've had for over 15 years. These lasting friendships have endured the test of time, growing with life's changes. Even though we live in different parts of the world, we still manage to stay connected and support each other from afar.

A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24 NKJV

Have you noticed these patterns in your own friendships? I would love to know your thoughts on this subject! Until then....If you don't have an account, you can comment as a guest without needing to register.

I remain yours in the faith,

Margaret (MKO)